Polimom Says

I have to write about what’s going on with Mom.  She wants me to, and I said I would, but…   I keep getting lost in my emotions.
Started a bunch of updates, in fact.  All of them were dumped.
It all feels too personal, to be honest — and while Mom never seemed to have much problem with that on her blog, I’ve always veered away from it.   But she wants me to write.  And I said I would try.  So here I am.
Her legs will barely hold her now (it’s pretty scary to watch, actually).  Was it really just three weeks ago that she was driving?   That amazes me.
Yesterday, the nurse came out from hospice to see her.   She was stunned at how declined Mom’s condition is.   She and Mom (and all of us) talked for a very long time about… well… everything.   Mom’s view of where she was in her illness confounded the nurse a bit as well, so at one point, the nurse asked Mom how long she thought she had.
Mom thought maybe a couple of months.
The nurse thinks a week or two.
A week or two?  My mind’s really struggling with that.  Suspecting this was the case is a world away from having it said out loud by a medical professional.
So Mom’s moving to the Community Hospice House this afternoon.
I never wanted that to happen.  I had hoped to be able to have her here, in her own little apartment, until the end.   And we almost made it.   But she’s gotten so very weak…  and there are so many demands on me emotionally just now… and I don’t have the physical or emotional strength to handle the level of care she now needs.
This is going to be a very hard day.
They tell me that if she feels up to it, I/we can take her out for little day trips or whatever.  I hope she can, because I still want to take her up Pack Monadnock to see the hawk migration.
She wanted to see that.
I still want to find some darned spare ribs so I can make her favorite meal.  Doesn’t matter whether she can eat it;  I’ll be happy if she smiles when she smells it — and I could care less whether the Hospice House staff like the aroma.
She loves spare ribs and sauerkraut (so do we!).
There are still so many things, in fact, to share with her.  But I won’t be able to.   We’re out of time.
I know that in my head, but my heart is having a terrible time with all this.
I’m so sorry Mom.
I love you Mom.