I used to hear it all the time.
AC: Mom, can I have a TV for my room?
Polimom: No, Adorable Child. The TV in the den is for us all to watch, and there’s another for the gameroom when you have friends over. We don’t need televisions everywhere in the house.
AC: But my friend Janey has one in her room!!
Polimom: Sweet Pea, when you grow up and have a job and kids, you are free to put a tv in every room in your house if you think that’s the right way to raise your children. And if Janey’s mom thinks Janey should have a tv in her bedroom, that’s her choice. Your mom, though, thinks two televisions for a household of 3 people is plenty.
AC: That’s not fair!!!
This argument has had many variations over the years, but it generally ended exactly the same way: that’s not “fair”.
As AC has gotten older, though, I’ve added more options. For instance:
AC: Mom, I want an iPod. Janey and Susie have iPods, I’m the only person I know that doesn’t have an iPod.
Polimom: (gives variation on dialogue above)
AC: But Mo-o-o-o-om! I have no way to listen to music!
Polimom: I have no problem with iPods specifically, but I don’t see a “need” for me to buy one for you. If it’s truly something you want, though, perhaps there are some jobs we have around the house that you could do to earn some money. Then, you can buy one for yourself.
She now owns a hot pink iPod, but the phrase “it’s not fair” did not come up — even though I know for a fact that Janey and Susie did not work for their iPods. She may very well think I’m a mean mom, but she’s finally starting to understand the ground rules.
Even more importantly, though, she’s starting to understand that life is filled with choices, and that there are values underpinning them. She knows, for instance, that I don’t approve of pre-teens disappearing into their rooms for hours on end, staring zombie-like at a screen; that reading books allows the mind to grow, as opposed to the stultifying mindlessness inherent in watching television; that it’s important for a parent to know what shows are being watched. And then there’s the little matter of a work ethic…
Fairness, as a concept, does not figure into any of this.
Yet this odd, childish (and not-so-endearing) interpretation of “fair” does not end at childhood. It extends to questions asked in our society every day, as described by Patrick Edaburn’s post at TMV.
It is thus hardly surprising that these people [from “The Barney Generation”] now expect that they should be given everything they want or need as an adult. Of course there are many very hard working members of the Barney generation and hopefully they will overcome this trend.
If they do, then there can be much to gain from a generation whose desire to achieve is tempered with a sense of fair play.
If they do not, then we will continue on our trend towards a society where the many depend on the few, and that can never last.
Speaking as a parent, I can attest to the fact that we are raising a generation smack-full of over-indulged kids whose expectations are completely out of kilter with generations past.
Obviously, Patrick’s right when he writes that not everyone is coming up with such bizarre and unsustainable expectations — but what he doesn’t say is that it’s extremely difficult to stand against the tide. I often feel as if the sands are sucking out from beneath my feet, and the only thing that keeps me upright is the knowledge that, however difficult it is for me, Adorable Child would be overwhelmed immediately without my help.
How will it be any easier when the entire societal wave is pushing against her — and those who were raised the same way — when we’re gone?
Parenting has never been easy. You do all that you can possibly do, and then hope against hope that your children will have assimilated all that will be necessary to sustain them as they move forward into adulthood where they will have to live with the consequences of their decisions.
The standards of what’s “fair” have changed remarkably over my lifetime. As an early Boomer, my expectations of parental economic contribution were modest, perhaps even nonexistent. I didn’t expect my parents to buy me a car, pay for my insurance, or pay for college. Simply, they didn’t have the economic resources to do those things, and it was made clear that if I wanted things, I had to work for them.
Things are much different now. Most teens expect a cell phone, a car, a college education, etc. Welcome to the Golden Age of Entitlement (relatively speaking at least). And it’s been parents (Boomer) who have created these expectations; we can’t really blame our kids. So we’re not in much of a position to gripe. Even though griping’s always good for the soul.
It’s an argument I’ve had with my in-laws, my co-workers, even my husband – if your child is given everything, you will instill in him/her a sense of entitlement, rather than the value of achievement & a sense of appreciation. Too many parents don’t realize they are stealing from their children even as they give them everything they demand.
Much as I’d like to think some of this (my perspective) is generational, I think there’s a bit of a compunding two-fer going on here. The Boomers were pretty indulgent of their kids (aka Generation X), who have in turn, I think, been indulgent. (does this next bunch have a name?)
We haven’t had a serious economic correction (a la The Great Depression) in 3 generations now, and all the crunches have been relatively short-lived. The period of excess and indulgence has gone on and on and on… which probably explains, somewhat, the total freak-out about the looming economic meltdown.
But while I think it’s going to hurt, I think that in the long run, it’s a necessary societal correction as well as economic.
Meanwhile (back to parenting) — I get REALLY frustrated by parents of kids like my fictitious Janey and Susie above. If everybody was pulling in the same direction — if parents could figure out how to say no — I think we’d be in much better shape overall.
Laura — I’m impressed that you’ve at least tried to have the discussion, and can see the values challenge presented. I’m not sure many are thinking about it at this level (unfortunately).
Along those lines, though — I can remember being told “no”. But what I don’t remember is much discussion about why. There was no, and there was entitlement. I’ve taken a different tack with my daughter, because I always hated “because I said so” as a rationale.
:>
Poli, I agree that much of this is a function of economics. Let’s face it- we’re a much richer country than we were even 40 years ago. Perhaps Depression-era parents were frugal and strict simply as a funciton of their lack of economic means.
Gen Y.
BTW, Julie Pippert has the best response to “It’s Not Fair” that I have ever read (posted as a comment on my blog):
~EdT.